I wanted to take a brief moment in time to officially introduce you all to my song “Sorry”–another bonus track off my album Elements. “Sorry” was the last song I wrote before going into the studio to record the album and actually the last song we recorded as well.
“Sorry” is a song about communication and conflict resolution. My parents always told us that one of the keys to a successful relationship is to never go to bed angry, and it’s become something that I’ve really taken to heart. For the better part of my life, I accomplished this by holding everything in and simply avoiding conflict to begin with. As time went on, I eventually realized that this approach was not healthy or productive–that although in the moment it can feel easier to bottle things up and avoid conflict, in the long run it’s important to be heard and to allow yourself to be YOU. It took me some time to realize that having a disagreement wasn’t the end of the world, that as different humans with different pasts and different brains, disagreements are inevitable and okay, and that the important thing is learning how to leave disagreements with both parties feeling heard, understood and cared for, regardless of who is “right” or “wrong.” It’s something that I am constantly trying to be better at and something that I actively work on with the people I love. It’s natural to get sensitive, defensive, or proud in these situations, but if we can take a moment to step back and remember that you’re a team and that you care about each other, it can help you give the other person a little bit of what they need to feel okay, too.
Over the years I’ve come up with a little system that I’ve found helpful in resolving conflicts. Everyone is different and has different needs, but maybe give it a try sometime and see if it helps you out at all. By no means have I figured this out, nor do I always execute it perfectly. But it’s a good starting point!
Kina’s Guide to Conflict Resolution:
1. Listen. Let the other person say what they need to say, uninterrupted.
2. Understand and sympathize. Even if you don’t agree with what the other person is arguing, really try to see where they’re coming from and how they’re feeling, and repeat it back to them to make sure you’re understanding them correctly and to show them that you listened. Ex: “I understand how that would have hurt your feelings, that definitely wasn’t my intention…”
3. Explain your side and how you feel. Be careful to not attack or be accusatory.
4. Apologize. If you really are in the wrong, say you’re sorry. If you don’t believe you’re wrong, still say you’re sorry! I’m not saying you should take the blame, but find something to be sorry for– “I’m sorry it made you feel that way” or “I’m sorry it seemed like I was mad” or “I’m sorry I misunderstood you”. Saying “I’m sorry” shows that you care about how they feel, it doesn’t necessarily mean you are wrong or to blame.
5. Summarize, find a takeaway, and tell/show them you care. This shows 1. that you’ve been listening and that you understand, 2. that there’s something you both can learn from this disagreement for the future and 3. that you still care about them. Ex: “I understand _______ and I’m sorry ______. In the future we can try to ______. I love you/Are we good?/*Hug*/etc.”
The most important thing here is that both parties take all the steps above. Both sides need to listen, understand, apologize, and assure the other that they’re ok. Make sure both of you say what you need to say and hear what you need to hear before parting ways. No one should leave upset.
Again, everyone is different. Feel out what you need to feel better after an argument and be receptive to what the other person needs as well.
Below are the lyrics to the song. Happy listening! <3
Kina
Let’s stop pretending
It’s bad enough that we both got scared
Both gave up a littleIf I know one thing
It’s that there’s too many parts of air
That tease and touch between usWe should be more than thisOh my lover, let’s start over will we ever say we’re sorry
It’s not going to get better if we never say we’re sorryWhat are you needing
Somehow it feels you’re a world away
While I just wait hereAnd I know these are the things
The little moments that bring us closer
If we make it thereLeave your words
Take my handOh my lover, let’s start over will we ever say we’re sorry
It’s not going to get better if we never say we’re sorryCan we stop this now
For good, for good
I will love you anyhow
For good, for good
So let me take you by the hand
For good, for good
And if we care we’ll understandOh my lover, let’s start over will we ever say we’re sorry
It’s not going to get better if we never say we’re sorry
Hears conversation between a mom and daughter who is like 6.
Mom: Looking at news article on phone about Sam Smith**
Girl: Mommy why is Sam Smith kissing a boy?
Mom: it’s because he’s gay honey.
Girl: Mommy what does gay mean?
Mom: Like girls like boys, it’s when boys like boys.
Girl: Oh….well why can’t girls like girls?
Mom: They can they’re called lesbians.
Girl: lessions?
Mom: No, Les-Bee-Ens.
Girl: Oh Okay,….can I be lesbian?
Mom: Sure, only if you feel that way, why?
Girl: Cuz there’s this girl name katey and she’s really really pretty like prettier then Elsa.
Mom: PRETTIER THAN ELSA?!?!
Girl: Yeah, I want her to be my girlfriend.
Mom: Okay, wait…what about that other kid you liked, that boy named Jimmy.
Girl: I don’t like Jimmy anymore, I only said that cause I thought I didn’t have anymore options but boys.
Mom: *starts dying laughing*
Me *starts dying laughing*